My name is Ngaenan. I’m Indonesian, born in Wonosobo Central Java. I have a dream. A simple dreams, really. To be what should I be. At first, I think it’s gonna be easy. But then, the struggle of life made me realize, the simplest thing, is the most difficult things in the world. Still, I can’t abandon my dream. And I won’t.
I always define myself as a boy who searching for an answers. A naive, stupid and lonely boy in this fast and unlimited worlds. Yearning for answer of the question in my deepest hearts which I can’t comprehend. Which is haunting my every night.
I love reading a books, comic, watching television, drawing manga, and sometimes writing poem, trying to projecting my mind and understand my very existence. I tried to enter the doors of philosophy, history, mysticism, imagination, politic, and another doors of knowledge which is being guided by my teacher to me. Some of them says it’s only a matter of perspective. But, I don’t know. Mine is not that grand, really. Just a simple wish to understand what I am.
But then again, I realize that the simplest thing, is the most difficult things in this complicated-made-man world.
But unlike Descartes, even I considered my self as a doubtfull, I prefer to claim that my pillar of existence is ‘beauty’. Yes, I know it clearly because that’s what lurks in my hearts. A mysterious energy, a superb and powerful power which force me out to move forward from my secluded world of loneliness, of nothingness. It is so enourmous, enticing my desire, killing my mind, enchanting my heart absolutely. It’ is a beauty. A beauty of something I don’t understand, however I know deep in my heart, I yearn for it like crazy.
I tried and tried to understand this feeling. My teacher just smile and told me that it’s ‘khudhuri’, the strongest and acsiomatic knowledge of humanity. So strong that it’s become the very foundation of every knowledge the human know. In philosophy it’s called existence, in mysticism it’s called ‘love’. Yes, Love.
Little by little my teacher guide me. My teacher answer my curiosity one by one. Explain and showing beautifully that all my loneliness, my searching, and my yearning all of this time is none other than the love that root deep in my hearts. The love form the Absolute Love: God! The love that give me life, hope, purpose, dreams, and value as human being.
She is my teacher. My lovely teacher.